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Maria Theresa had anxious premonitions; her girl was lively and affectionate in nature but had the attention span of a flea. The journey went like clockwork; the Austrian court followed her in 56 other vehicles. To pull the carriages in relays, 20, horses were posted along the route.

In a temporary pavilion on an island in the middle of the Rhine, the Austrian princess said goodbye to her mother's courtiers.

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In another room, highborn ladies from the French court of Versailles stripped her of every stitch of clothing and dressed her in clothes that would make her a dauphine.

Her new trousseau was distributed as perks among her well-born attendants. They even took her little lapdog, Mops, out of her arms. Some kindly soul arranged for them to be reunited after she was settled in her new home. At a prearranged place in the French woods she met the bridegroom and his grandfather King Louis XV, a lazy, indecisive man, proud of his prowess at hunting, bedding young women, and cutting the top off a boiled egg.

The king was very flirtatious with her, but the future Louis XVI was painfully shy and gauche.

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He kissed her on the cheek but could think of nothing to say. All his life he kept a journal in a firm copperplate hand.

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Mostly he recorded the number of stag and boar he had killed while hunting-a pastime like messing about with locks and mechanical things he enjoyed. The palaces where Marie Antoinette grew up had thousands of rooms, and she had experienced plenty of grand court ceremony, but there were times of intimate and almost bourgeois family life with her mother and father the easygoing, pleasure-loving Francis of Lorraine and her siblings.

However, nothing could prepare an outsider for living with the rigid etiquette of Versailles. In a strictly hierarchical system of absolute monarchy, all power derived from the king, who was next in line to God.

Everything at the palace was designed to awe. The facade with its huge balconied windows was a quarter-mile long, and its famous mirrored gallery was more like a stage or a street for deities than an ordinary room. An emasculated nobility had to hang out, cap in hand, in hopes of catching the king's attention or that of his official mistress and begging for favors and pensions.

Power was reflected in the smallest ritual and gesture.

The presence at the humblest human activities of the monarch-dressing, undressing for bed, eating a meal, using a candle or the chamber pot-was an honor for the courtiers and a chance for them to be rewarded for their subservience.

Young Marie Antoinette found herself shivering in the cold while princesses of the blood fought over the right to pass her the royal undergarments. Like box hedges on the move, the ladies squeezed into her apartments in panniered skirts to watch circles of quite unnecessary rouge applied to her pink-and-white cheeks.

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As her mother had foreseen, the debutante first lady of Versailles was watched by a thousand eyes for the first signs of a faux pas. Gossip, humiliating mockery, and intrigue were the principal court occupations.

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A lady in court dress in the halls of Versailles was prey to many hazards: catching her skirt in some other lady's heel, or falling foul of dog poo or food scraps. But ridicule kills.

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Almost immediately the teenager made a fashion statement that was a serious violation of etiquette: She tried to jettison the particularly uncomfortable corset, the grand corps, worn by the most important ladies. Under maternal pressure she gave in; the look the corset gave and a style of court dress unchanged in seven decades was an integral part of a ceremonial curtsy.

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Before she arrived, Marie Antoinette had enemies ready-made: the factions opposed to a recent Franco-Austrian alliance arranged by her mother and favored by Louis XV's politically powerful mistress the Marquise de Pompadour. She had subsequently died and been replaced by a glamorous former prostitute, Mme du Barry. The xenophobia was silly, really, for all royal houses were intermarried. If her father was French, her bridegroom's mother had been German, his grandmother Polish.

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There was a constant hostage-like trade in barely pubescent princesses across the borders of Europe; they were the slender human seals on international treaties. She had one job ahead of her, really: to secure the power of the French state and the alliance with her native land by giving birth to a future dauphin. But here there was a problem more fatal to her life story than any other: For seven years, her marriage to Louis was unconsummated and she remained a virgin.

On their wedding night, the teenagers were dressed in their nightclothes and then climbed into the great state bed in the presence of the king, the archbishop, assorted foreign dignitaries, and every courtier who could wangle entry, before they were finally left alone behind the curtains. But there were no secrets at Versailles, and the whole court soon knew that nothing had happened. After his grandfather died and he became king inthis impotence and lack of an heir became a real danger for the couple.

His younger brother the Comte de Provence, who was hungry for the throne, embarked on a lifetime of intrigue against them. As with many cts of the tale, historians have conflicting opinions about Louis XVI's sexual difficulties.

Some say there was a technical fault with the royal foreskin that was finally corrected by an operation. Others believe the problem was psychological; he had never expected to be king and was traumatized as a boy by the deaths of his seven-year-old brother and both his parents. He was left in the care of a tutor who had filled his head with the evils of Austria. Louis XVI was an intelligent, widely read man, thought not to be opposed to reform of the worst abuses of the system.

The greatest burden of taxes fell on the poorest people. He's so interested in gears and motors and well-built machinery. But his own gears weren't working.

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He's unpickable. He's not a well-built machine.

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Louis XVI was so socially inept that people thought him rude. He had a huge appetite for food and drink and soon became enormously overweight. He liked going to bed and getting up at an early hour. He was clumsy and ungainly: They said he walked like an old peasant waddling along behind his plow. His wife, a sprite who picked at her food, loved to dance and stay up late, was his opposite in every way.

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But they grew fonder of each other with each passing year. He discouraged her from taking an interest in politics but indulged her in every other pastime. When Marie Antoinette and his libertine, handsome younger brother the Comte d'Artois ran late-night gambling parties, the king paid off their debts. In Louis made her a gift of the Petit Trianon, a jewel of a neoclassical chateau with intimate, perfect proportions, set in the park of Versailles, a fifteen-minute walk from the palace.

The interior was light, bright, and comfortable, with boiseries of wildflowers, ears of corn, and roses. His grandfather had commissioned it for la Pompadour, but she died before it was completed, and it was used by du Barry, her successor as royal favorite.

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That Louis XVI, a king who never had a mistress, gave the royal love nest to his own wife was to work against her in the public mind. Who could believe her secluded gatherings there were innocent? In compensation for the failures of the marriage bed the queen had developed a taste for worldly, amusing people and fashionable things.

Like Princess Diana in another age, she found an increasingly confident personal style to use as a weapon against her enemies at court. In alliance with creative people-her architects, landscape designers, and most notably the couturier Rose Bertin and the hairdresser Leonard-she made the Trianon and her own person as exquisite as could be.

She dressed to be in fashion, she got into debt for fashion, she was witty and a flirt-all to be in fashion. She and her friend the Princesse de Lamballe were the talk of the town when they appeared in the Bois de Boulogne for a winter sleigh ride-two blondes, all in white, with diamonds and furs.

She learned to ride astride a horse after early experiences with a donkey, which she kept falling off and had her portrait painted as an equestrienne in the fashionable English redingote and cutaway vest, accessorized by lace cravat and tricorne.

It was the rage for aping the country-house life of the English aristocracy as well as the chic new sensibility of Jean-Jacques Rousseau that led her to create a miniature arcadia around the Trianon, complete with rolling meadows, a little lake, an artificially meandering stream, a romantic grotto, and a classical temple of love on a tiny island.

She invited chosen friends to join her for pleasure parties straight out of Watteau or Fragonard: picnics, boating, blindman's buff, or gathering the hens' eggs at her miniature farm.

She built a private theater and played in spectacular costumes the parts of milkmaids and shepherdesses.

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The queen's coterie, called the Private Society, caused much bitterness among the courtiers who were excluded. Her First Girlfriend, the Comtesse Jules de Polignac, was always there with Diane de Polignac, her sister-in-law, accompanied by her lover the Comte de Vaudreuil and her sister, the mistress of Artois, the king's playboy brother.

The strikingly handsome Swedish count Axel von Fersen, a great success with the ladies, was often at the queen's little soirees.

They had met at a masked ball on one of her daring outings into Paris cafe society. He was by all accounts the love of her life, though no one can know whether they were actually lovers.

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Silks and velvets for court dresses, muslin and lawn for the new informal gowns that went so well with Gainsborough hats with the English garden. Fans, laces, silk flowers. The modern fashion world was born in this era. Bertin whose story resembles that of Coco Chanel in her business acumen and her rise in society was the first couturier; Leonard was the first of the superstar hairdressers. Of Gascon peasant stock, he rode to his ladies in a lordly carriage and like Bertin was given to making snobbish pronouncements.

The coffers of France herself were empty after she had fought against the British in the American War of Independence.

He asked the most detailed anatomical questions it must have been embarrassing to a sister who had enough modesty to take her bath in a muslin gown or colored water and wrote home to say he wished he could whip his brother-in-law into ejaculating, like an angry donkey. Joseph's instructions seemed to work. In the queen gave birth to a daughter, and in to the requisite dauphin. Really, how do we weigh psychological torment? The truth here is as obvious as it is deeply entertaining: Bad parenting abounds, baby, and what's more, I say our culture needs psycho parents and their preening, hyperplucked kids simply because the culture needs future Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans and spoiled UCLA sorority girls with names like Dakota and Bree because, well, who else will we mock?

Who else can future generations of normal kids look to and say, oh my God, at least I'm not like that?

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Who will grow up to date all the obnoxious frat guys and have bad drunken sex with them for 3. Similar, it all is, to a recent New York Times trend piece I just read on overpampered tweener girls getting expensive salon treatments at the new array of upscale spas designed especially for them.

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Have you heard? About relatively well-adjusted 9-year-olds whose parents "treat" their kids to flat-ironings and caramel tintings and expensive Miley Cyrus-grade primpings because they're all caught up in the pop culture horror show and think this is what life is all about?

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Of course, it doesn't stop there. The tweener trend merely connects further up the line to tales of desperately lousy parents who willingly pay 10 grand for their kids' plastic surgery when they turn 16, new boobs for Taylor and new calf implants for Todd and a new nose for Jenny because hey, all her friends are doing it and what's the big deal and so why not anesthetize her and slice into that young flesh and reshape her face to look more like Jamie Lynn Spears?

And then the story ends when these girls - and by the way it's almost always the girls; rare indeed is the trend piece focusing on how boys get, say, all sorts of horrific messages about machismo and violence and the need for accomplishment, and isn't that a little weird and telling? Oh well - the girls finally turn 18 and head off to college and get a bad sacrum tattoo and appear on "Girls Gone Wild" and then, well, they disappear into the cultural maelstrom, only to reappear 10 years later as that exact same shallow, awful mom who drags her miserable 8-year-old to the salon for her first Brazilian.

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And lo, the circle of life continues. Next up: a big trend piece about how all alarmist trend pieces that have anything to do with teenagers, pubic hair, the early sexualization of kids, thong underwear and the tragic death of innocence in modern America all point to a larger trend of how we as a culture are just way, way too obsessed with trend pieces that obsess about the style and sexuality of trendy teens.

Watch for it. Mark Morford's latest book is ' The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism '. Join Mark on Facebook and Twitteror email him. His website is markmorford.

For his yoga classes, workshops and retreats, click markmorfordyoga. Mark's column appears every Wednesday on SFGate, and is frequently cross-posted to Huffington Post. To join the notification list for this column, click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more.

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